Telia

My prayers this past week have been asking God to spare me. Begging to be spared from this horror. Pleading for Him not to ask me to do this.

But He has already spoken His will. And He will help me to endure.

On December 16th we lost our precious tiny baby.

How is the Lord's grace so big that I am still standing? Forget standing, how about breathing? How can my God be so great that my heart- as crushed and bleeding as it is- still feel full of His love and peace?

I'm not saying breathing is easy. Sometimes I forget how for a few minutes. I still can't sleep. There are lots of tears and I get angry quickly. My heart actually aches. Of course I'm depressed. And I am scared. I can't believe this happened. I am grieving. But I am sure that God is enough for me. I am living my deepest fear and He is enough. He is God, and He is good.

I have a lot of questions but I don't question God. I know that we are here for His glory and that is answer enough to any question I may have. I don't doubt Him one bit. I can't.
Two months is too little. Twenty-two is too young. But God chose my beautiful baby at 8 weeks and He chose me at twenty-two. It is painful to be chosen by God. But living in His will for His ultimate glory is an honor.

Trying to get pregnant was a painful time. A lot of stress. A lot of sadness was bound in the patience God was asking me to have. I learned a lot. I thought that was enough learning. Enough sorrow for a season. To my left and right, the words "I'm pregnant!" were springing from every mouth but my own. Many of those an "oops!" I didn't understand. Why did it hurt so bad? Then a few months later I found out the most wonderful news, that my own mouth would now be bursting with those beautiful words! (minus the "oops") My heart felt so full! It was a sweet time with the Lord. Praising Him. I know the fullness of the blessing that is babies. To have one in my belly is always the best of news! I felt that joy radiating from my face as I couldn't help but smile all the time. I wasn't too sick so I was able to really enjoy the time. I delighted in my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to embrace the challenges and rewards of raising two children. I was thrilled for Silas to be a big brother. My body remembered just what to do, too, and I found my uterus very round and I was showing big time at a mere 5 weeks! I loved my round, hard belly. I just enjoyed everything about being pregnant and dreaming about my new baby and our family of four.

I am so so so grateful for that time. It is all I got, and it was lovely. Thadd and I both thought we were having a girl. We felt more positive of that every day of the pregnancy. Our little daughter.

She is dancing in Heaven at Jesus' feet now. And He is delighting in her. And they are rejoicing over us. I love to think about that. I love that my child knows the fullness of the glory of God!

During the miscarriage God comforted me with these verses.
Philippians 1:3-11~ paraphrase
Precious tiny Love, I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you making my prayer with joy, because I've had you in my belly from the first day until now. And I am sure of this- that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you because I hold you in my heart. For you are a partaker with me of grace. Both in your conception and our earthly separation. For God is my witness, how I yearn for you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer, that the joy of being your mama will cause my love to abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that through this suffering I may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, for the day I see your face and hold you in my arms, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. Amen.

The Greek word for 'complete' is telios. We named our baby Telia. She is complete. Holy, righteous, pure. Perfect. Never to suffer. Never again do I have to fear for her. She is safe. Complete complete complete. And at the day of Christ I will be too. I am grateful for these things.

I miss you, Telia. I want to hold you so badly. I want to see your face, I know you are amazing. I want to paint for you and dance with you and I want to watch you play with Silas. I want you to date your dad. I want to raise you and teach you and be your friend. I just want to know you. I treasure my time with you, too short, but our weeks were designed by Grace and they echo glory's brilliance. Those weeks were big.

Telia, baby, I will always love you.
My heart is rich from your life in mine.
My body is beautiful with your mark.
You are dear to me, my precious gift...

Now I give you back to God.