As I tell them about you.

They are all finding out.
Finding out news that we would be finding out too.

I already knew the answer, though.

I would give anything to see your little body moving around on that black and white screen and cry and nod and laugh when they told me. It's a girl. I know.

I couldn't wait for March. It's here and we would know for sure and we would start buying you dresses and shoes. I think that is all you would have worn! And always a bow in your hair. Always. You would have probably sucked your thumb in the ultrasound picture. You would probably be measuring really big. That happens to Wight babies. I would still be smiling through my ears! You are one of the most beautiful and happy things that have ever happened to me.

At the consignment shop I couldn't help myself. I walked past a stand full of dresses and immediately knew what dress you would have worn at Christmas next year. Baby's First. You would have been dazzling for sure. I also found you a pair of shoes. They wouldn't have done for Christmas but would be perfect any other time. Good thing your dad was with me because he spoke reason and we didn't buy either. I thought maybe I could buy them and give them to another baby girl...but I knew I couldn't. They should have been yours.

On the way to a baby shower a couple weeks ago I was in a horrible mood. I mean, I had already been to two baby showers before this one, why was I sooooo grouchy and mad? Oh. This was for a lady baby. One who would have for sure been one of your BEST friends. Little Ava Marie. I realized that indeed I was grouchy. I was supposed to be attending this shower with joy and anticipation in my heart for our pink shower. I would have been touching my belly and squealing at all the adorable onesies and blankets. Instead I ran in the other room crying and spent the whole shower sucking in my non-pregnant jelly belly as hard as I could so that no one would ask about you. Some of the world's most best friends made a hedge around me in that moment and I did feel support and love but no matter how good the champagne or the friend, they can't change the facts. You are gone and I miss you so bad. And it didn't help that every belly at the shower was bursting with life but my own. It is hard to feel alive at times like those. I sure want to be in heaven at times like those.

This past month I had started to finally be a bit angry with God. Or, irate to be honest. There are countless miracles occuring all around me. Shocking, perfect and wonderful miracles. Many include pregnancies and babies. When everyone was so happy I found myself even more upset. All these unbelievable miracles of life. So, WHY, GOD??? Why didn't you do one for me?! I am so mad at you for taking my child. I am mad that I have to see you give others children they didn't ask for while the one I begged you for wasn't able to stay with me? You could have done a miracle and you didn't. Please, Lord, tell me why. Take back the time and work a miracle for me and my daughter. I know you can. And I know you won't. And I don't know why.

But I began to realize that I was, of course, wrong. And that my God did do a miracle for us. He gave me you, Tel. You are my miracle! You are a huge beakon of love and life inside my heart. A very bright light of all things beautiful. That is you. That is you in my heart. Your life, changing my life. Changing the world. You have been used by God in greater ways than most people who get to walk this earth. Maybe anybody. I mean, girl, you are shockingly incredible! Your life was miraculous and no matter how mad and sad I still may get, I will never undermine the fact that I indeed got to experience the most amazing miracle of all.

So when they all make their announcements I will smile. If they say "it's a girl", my voice will say congratulations. My heart will say "so is mine." But I will go to their showers and I will paint for them and buy them pink dresses and pink shoes. And I will dream of you all the while. As I learn to love on them. They would have been your friends so I will make them mine as well.

I have since, been to another baby girl shower and my heart was in a better place. It was sweet to love on my dear friend, Lexi. My heart was still focused on my little girl, but a little more prepared and a little more at peace. Maybe it was the outfit and the hair. Maybe it was Jesus. Maybe I felt like I could be that happy one day too.

As I keep learning.
And I keep loving.
And I keep marvelling at the height, depth, pure crazy love of a Father. As he holds a devastated mother. Renewing her smile. Her laugh. And her life.

As I tell them about you.