As I tell them about you.

They are all finding out.
Finding out news that we would be finding out too.

I already knew the answer, though.

I would give anything to see your little body moving around on that black and white screen and cry and nod and laugh when they told me. It's a girl. I know.

I couldn't wait for March. It's here and we would know for sure and we would start buying you dresses and shoes. I think that is all you would have worn! And always a bow in your hair. Always. You would have probably sucked your thumb in the ultrasound picture. You would probably be measuring really big. That happens to Wight babies. I would still be smiling through my ears! You are one of the most beautiful and happy things that have ever happened to me.

At the consignment shop I couldn't help myself. I walked past a stand full of dresses and immediately knew what dress you would have worn at Christmas next year. Baby's First. You would have been dazzling for sure. I also found you a pair of shoes. They wouldn't have done for Christmas but would be perfect any other time. Good thing your dad was with me because he spoke reason and we didn't buy either. I thought maybe I could buy them and give them to another baby girl...but I knew I couldn't. They should have been yours.

On the way to a baby shower a couple weeks ago I was in a horrible mood. I mean, I had already been to two baby showers before this one, why was I sooooo grouchy and mad? Oh. This was for a lady baby. One who would have for sure been one of your BEST friends. Little Ava Marie. I realized that indeed I was grouchy. I was supposed to be attending this shower with joy and anticipation in my heart for our pink shower. I would have been touching my belly and squealing at all the adorable onesies and blankets. Instead I ran in the other room crying and spent the whole shower sucking in my non-pregnant jelly belly as hard as I could so that no one would ask about you. Some of the world's most best friends made a hedge around me in that moment and I did feel support and love but no matter how good the champagne or the friend, they can't change the facts. You are gone and I miss you so bad. And it didn't help that every belly at the shower was bursting with life but my own. It is hard to feel alive at times like those. I sure want to be in heaven at times like those.

This past month I had started to finally be a bit angry with God. Or, irate to be honest. There are countless miracles occuring all around me. Shocking, perfect and wonderful miracles. Many include pregnancies and babies. When everyone was so happy I found myself even more upset. All these unbelievable miracles of life. So, WHY, GOD??? Why didn't you do one for me?! I am so mad at you for taking my child. I am mad that I have to see you give others children they didn't ask for while the one I begged you for wasn't able to stay with me? You could have done a miracle and you didn't. Please, Lord, tell me why. Take back the time and work a miracle for me and my daughter. I know you can. And I know you won't. And I don't know why.

But I began to realize that I was, of course, wrong. And that my God did do a miracle for us. He gave me you, Tel. You are my miracle! You are a huge beakon of love and life inside my heart. A very bright light of all things beautiful. That is you. That is you in my heart. Your life, changing my life. Changing the world. You have been used by God in greater ways than most people who get to walk this earth. Maybe anybody. I mean, girl, you are shockingly incredible! Your life was miraculous and no matter how mad and sad I still may get, I will never undermine the fact that I indeed got to experience the most amazing miracle of all.

So when they all make their announcements I will smile. If they say "it's a girl", my voice will say congratulations. My heart will say "so is mine." But I will go to their showers and I will paint for them and buy them pink dresses and pink shoes. And I will dream of you all the while. As I learn to love on them. They would have been your friends so I will make them mine as well.

I have since, been to another baby girl shower and my heart was in a better place. It was sweet to love on my dear friend, Lexi. My heart was still focused on my little girl, but a little more prepared and a little more at peace. Maybe it was the outfit and the hair. Maybe it was Jesus. Maybe I felt like I could be that happy one day too.

As I keep learning.
And I keep loving.
And I keep marvelling at the height, depth, pure crazy love of a Father. As he holds a devastated mother. Renewing her smile. Her laugh. And her life.

As I tell them about you.

Review of 22

Here is a list of twenty two things I didn't expect this past year to hold but all have changed, surprised, or enlightened me.

1. God is enough.
2. Lost 65 pounds after having Silas. It is possible if your body actually works!
3. Move 4 times. (in a week or two that number will be 5)
4. Send one of my babes to heaven.
5. Become a friend to some of the greatest.
6. Fall in love with painting.
7. I have dreams bigger than should be allowed. I will not stop.
8. Started a blog...
9. Found a cute one piece swim suit. This is an actual miracle.
10. Experienced more joys of boyhood than I knew existed!
11. Started cleaning houses for money, and liked it.
12. Gain back about 30 of the pounds I had lost. I blame most of that on the pregnancy.
13. Play Halo on xbox. I was planning on keeping that secret but I love it, don't judge me.
14. The joy of the Lord really is my strength.
15. Learned that Craigslist was designed for our family.
16. Accepted that maybe the gifts God instilled in me are just as important as seemingly more important gifts in others.
17. You can live off a lot less than you'd think.
18. I actually do like white wine better than red. I look down on myself. You can too.
19. Being called mama is sweeter than anything else in the world. Hands down.
20. Finally admit that I am allergic to everything and that I'm blind as a bat. So I'm an absolute nerd.
21. I discovered that there one good reason to drive to Puyallup.
22. Telling Thadd what I need is not only helpful, but vital to both our sanity.

I am 23 today. I will celebrate and be glad for my blessings. Glad for the growth in my life. Glad to serve the God who makes it all possible and gives and takes away. I am glad to be me.

Fish, cupcakes, and my precious 1 year old!

Looks like my pics downloaded backwards, but the story is still the same! Silas turned one on December 8th and that evening we celebrated the incredible year it was with him here to love on! In honor of his dada, the theme was fishing...what else is there?! Can't wait for his second Birthday party...Silas enjoyed "catching" the fish we passed out as party favors! Not everyone was thrilled that the goldfish were alive, but I couldn't resist. Too cute!

A bunch of big Wight guys! Silas with Thadd, Uncle Josh and Uncle David! Very excited for Si to wear this awesome jacket from Jiggle-Wiggle. Nanny brought all the fun balloons and they were a crazy hit with all the kids!

I think Si might have had enough sugar by the time we took this family picture...

But it was just SOOOOOO good!

Happy Birthday, my Love. It is a treat to raise you as my son. Celebrating your Birthday with such a fun party was a joy! You were adorable- so proud of you, Boof.

Better late than never...

This was our Christmas card picture- but it was cropped and on very cute cards! Well, we got them back the day before we lost the Telia so they never got sent out. So...this is something like you would have received had circumstances allowed. "Merry Christmas! We pray that you are blessed! Love, Wights."

Wight People to blog again!

How do I follow a blog that speaks on the topic of greatest magnitude in my life? Especially since that topic is still and always will be, a very sad happening. I still want to celebrate this life though. I want to talk about my joys. About my dreams. About my trials. I want to talk about my fears, my tears and God's strength. I want to talk about my Lord, my Loves and my Life.

Because...I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a lot to live for and a lot to account for. I don't want tragedy to outweigh and/or replace what God is doing in our family. A lot is to be documented and I am ready to get to it! I have lots of catching up to do. Honestly, pics from Silas' birthday, Christmas events, moving(the word of the year), New Years, FOOTBALL??!! and more funny Silas and more of my heart.

So, stay tuned...this Wight girl is back!

Telia

My prayers this past week have been asking God to spare me. Begging to be spared from this horror. Pleading for Him not to ask me to do this.

But He has already spoken His will. And He will help me to endure.

On December 16th we lost our precious tiny baby.

How is the Lord's grace so big that I am still standing? Forget standing, how about breathing? How can my God be so great that my heart- as crushed and bleeding as it is- still feel full of His love and peace?

I'm not saying breathing is easy. Sometimes I forget how for a few minutes. I still can't sleep. There are lots of tears and I get angry quickly. My heart actually aches. Of course I'm depressed. And I am scared. I can't believe this happened. I am grieving. But I am sure that God is enough for me. I am living my deepest fear and He is enough. He is God, and He is good.

I have a lot of questions but I don't question God. I know that we are here for His glory and that is answer enough to any question I may have. I don't doubt Him one bit. I can't.
Two months is too little. Twenty-two is too young. But God chose my beautiful baby at 8 weeks and He chose me at twenty-two. It is painful to be chosen by God. But living in His will for His ultimate glory is an honor.

Trying to get pregnant was a painful time. A lot of stress. A lot of sadness was bound in the patience God was asking me to have. I learned a lot. I thought that was enough learning. Enough sorrow for a season. To my left and right, the words "I'm pregnant!" were springing from every mouth but my own. Many of those an "oops!" I didn't understand. Why did it hurt so bad? Then a few months later I found out the most wonderful news, that my own mouth would now be bursting with those beautiful words! (minus the "oops") My heart felt so full! It was a sweet time with the Lord. Praising Him. I know the fullness of the blessing that is babies. To have one in my belly is always the best of news! I felt that joy radiating from my face as I couldn't help but smile all the time. I wasn't too sick so I was able to really enjoy the time. I delighted in my pregnancy. I couldn't wait to embrace the challenges and rewards of raising two children. I was thrilled for Silas to be a big brother. My body remembered just what to do, too, and I found my uterus very round and I was showing big time at a mere 5 weeks! I loved my round, hard belly. I just enjoyed everything about being pregnant and dreaming about my new baby and our family of four.

I am so so so grateful for that time. It is all I got, and it was lovely. Thadd and I both thought we were having a girl. We felt more positive of that every day of the pregnancy. Our little daughter.

She is dancing in Heaven at Jesus' feet now. And He is delighting in her. And they are rejoicing over us. I love to think about that. I love that my child knows the fullness of the glory of God!

During the miscarriage God comforted me with these verses.
Philippians 1:3-11~ paraphrase
Precious tiny Love, I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you making my prayer with joy, because I've had you in my belly from the first day until now. And I am sure of this- that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you because I hold you in my heart. For you are a partaker with me of grace. Both in your conception and our earthly separation. For God is my witness, how I yearn for you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And it is my prayer, that the joy of being your mama will cause my love to abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that through this suffering I may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, for the day I see your face and hold you in my arms, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. Amen.

The Greek word for 'complete' is telios. We named our baby Telia. She is complete. Holy, righteous, pure. Perfect. Never to suffer. Never again do I have to fear for her. She is safe. Complete complete complete. And at the day of Christ I will be too. I am grateful for these things.

I miss you, Telia. I want to hold you so badly. I want to see your face, I know you are amazing. I want to paint for you and dance with you and I want to watch you play with Silas. I want you to date your dad. I want to raise you and teach you and be your friend. I just want to know you. I treasure my time with you, too short, but our weeks were designed by Grace and they echo glory's brilliance. Those weeks were big.

Telia, baby, I will always love you.
My heart is rich from your life in mine.
My body is beautiful with your mark.
You are dear to me, my precious gift...

Now I give you back to God.

What'd you say?!

Silas' main vocab...

dada
mama
awww duhn (all done)
bye!
Mat-tz (Max- my parents dog)
mow (more)
mitz (milk)
hiy (Hi)
dot (dog)
i ii've (high five)
dut dut dut (tuck tuck tuck!)

Working on thank you...sounds a bit different every time!
He is very good at repeating sounds. He almost knows a few more words, but not with enough consistency to list yet. So proud of this one year old!

In other news...every day he adds another step to his repertoire. Today he has taken about 6 sturdy steps in a row. I was thinking, it is so fun to see him learn to walk, but I'm not sure I want him walking yet! It is sad to think he will never need me to the same extent he has before. Also, the terror! He will make a wake wherever he goes, no doubt!

But I'm the mom...so bring it.

My Birthday Boy!

You may be 1, but you are still my baby.

You can eat your first cupcake at your party, as long as you still lean over to kiss me with your frosting lips!

You can learn your wobbly walk, as long as you end up collapsing on me with your arms around my neck.

You can go ahead and learn all your new words, as long as you keep babbling away to me while we drive in the car together.

You can dance to different rhythms and genres like a gangster, but make sure you still raise your hands to Jesus in worship at church.

You can read your books as you rock in your chair, but I love it most when you choose my lap- you're welcome there, always!

You can eat your massive amounts of food, like it's the last meal you will see in a week, but you must still widen your eyes, bounce, and grunt and laugh when I offer you one of your favorites.

You can grow big and finally receive compliments on your size, as long as I still get to hold you without breaking my back.

You can become strong enough to walk alone, but I hope you still let me carry you in the dark and as you sleep.

You can find other toys, buddies, maybe even a lady, as long as you still love and confide in me.

You can do what little boys do, sweet child! You can go ahead and grow up...because no matter the years, your age, your height, or the fade of my memories, you are still just my baby. And I love you too much! Happy Birthday Little Love.

Two Thanksgivings in a row...

I am thankful to Jesus for pregnancy and babies!

Yes, I am responsible for eating for two again this year! There is another Wight baby in my belly! Soon to be joined by mashed potatoes and pie...(can't wait!) Silas is going to be a fantastic big brother! Cute cute cute! When we told him about the new baby he said "whoa!" No joke- we have it on video!

Thadd and I are super thrilled to be pregnant with number 2! It is crazy to be pregnant two Thanksgivings in a row, I am loving it;) We had been praying and planning for this baby and we recognize that this huge blessing is straight from the Lord. Already loving this precious child, enough to give it back to the One to whom it belongs. Father, may this new life reflect your glory at all costs. We love and praise you!

Thanking Him for the gift and miracle of life! Due in July!

(how I told the daddy! Congrats babe! "You did it!")

That's actually not your daddy...

When Silas hears any sounds coming from the direction of our door, he points to it, looks up at me with a huge smile, and says "da-daa". It is one of the sweetest things in my day! I love how he adores his daddy and looks forward to his arrival with the same joy and anticipation that I do. It breaks my heart when it's just a noise from upstairs and he continues to watch the door in expectation of his best man coming to play and "get" him. Oh sweet boy! That is actually not your daddy...

Well, yesterday while Silas was eating his lunch in his high chair, I thought I could doodle ideas for future paintings. The TV was on so I switched through the channels to find a show for Si. I found something for me instead. It was just a joke for myself in my painting aspirations- I laughed as I settled on "The Joy of Painting". Half a second later, Silas is pointing to the TV and saying "da-da!" I could have died! No, Bob Ross is not my baby's daddy, but there may be an obvious similarity between the two! It was awesome and I could not stop laughing! He was convinced and it was priceless. Oh sweet boy! Praise the Lord, that is actually not your daddy...